ColdFusion Muse

Yankees Let Go of the Dope (Film at 11:00)

Mark Kruger May 8, 2007 12:05 PM Humor and Life Comments (5)

You might know that I'm a long time Cubs Fan. Those of you who suffered with me during the White Sox championship season may remember this post of grudgingly offered congratulations. Like most Midwesterners I'm also not a Yankee fan. Actually, given the choice between meeting a Yankee and sleeping with a water buffalo - I'm taking the buffalo. It's not that some of the players on the Yankees don't garner my admiration. I think Arod had one of the best months of April I've ever seen - a fact that ESPN would not let us forget for more than 2 minutes.

In any case, I learned a couple of days ago that the Yanks fired "strength coach" Marty Miller. He was in charge of conditioning, but he was apparently working for the Red Sox because the Yankees can't seem to tie a shoe without throwing a hammy or breaking a collar bone. Anyway, I found it interesting that the strength coach's actual title in the organization is the "Director of Player Enhancement" - an acronym that spells "DOPE". Here is the story that I wish I had seen on the wire...

May 1, 2007 - New York
Yankees Admit DOPE Was Not Effective
In a move that many saw coming the New York Yankees fired Marty Miller, the long time Director of Player Enhancement (DOPE). In an interview, Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman admitted the DOPE wasn't working as well as it used to. "Many players have been disappointed that working with the DOPE did not produce the results in conditioning and recovery time they had anticipated," he said. Cashman went on to say that the DOPE did increase performance in most players but the same players seemed to be more susceptible to injury.

An unnamed Yankee player speaking off the record told this reporter that he was sorry to see the DOPE go. "The DOPE and I have been good friends throughout my career," he said. "Without the DOPE I don't think I'll have the edge I need to perform."

Yankee captain Derek Jeter (a long time DOPE opponent) had a different take. "While unfortunate, I think it's an important step," he said. He went on to say candidly that he was kind of glad he would no longer be seeing the DOPE around the locker room. "It always made me nervous when some of my team mates were working out with the DOPE."

What's next for the role of the DOPE in the Yankee organization? Our sources tell us that a lot of ideas are being considered, but the front runner is to roll the DOPE into a new combined job of strength coach and health and fitness director - to be known as the "Head Guru of Health" (or HGH).

P.S. Please know that this is all in good fun. It's not intended to tick anyone off (Yankee fan or otherwise), so keep the comments funny and the vitriol to a minimum. Thanks!

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