ColdFusion Muse

Muse Vs. PayPal: PayPal 1 Muse 0

Mark Kruger October 6, 2010 2:12 PM Humor and Life Comments (7)

(Best read in that booming movie trailer guy's voice)
One man determined to get answers. One man, alone against the machine. One man, no backup, no hair and no sense of fashion. Mark Kruger stars as Coldfusion Muse on a quest to talk to an actual, living, breathing, person - at (queue dramatic music and on screen explosion)

It started with a simple question. Can I elevate my business account to a higher level of service in order to get payments transferred to my bank account faster. I found a number on the merchant services page. Sure, it was tiny and not in a place they expect you to find it. But I'm clever and I spotted it. Or at least I thought I was clever.

The phone was answered by a cheery recorded voice - the same lady who does hooked on phonics (ready.... begin!). Let's call her Sally.

  • Sally: Welcome to PayPal customer service. I see you are calling from 555-555-5555. Do you want me to use that number to look up your account?
  • Muse [in his terrific, booming, sonorous, made for radio voice]: (ahem) Yes.
  • Sally: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. Could you repeat that?
  • Muse[in his whiny regular voice]: Yes!
  • Sally: Ok one Moment... I see you have a personal and a business account. If you want to use the business account say "business". If you want to use the personal account say "personal". (sally is not big on compound sentences).
  • Muse: Business...
  • Sally:Ok one moment while I transfer you.
  • Sally [No sign of recognition that she just spoke to me]: Welcome to PayPal Customer Service. Please enter your 6 digit web pin now. If you need a moment to look for it say "just a moment", otherwise say "I don't have one" or "I'm not a PayPal member".
  • Muse: (Thinking) ..web pin...web pin...not my password, my ATM card is 4 digits... I don't have a web pin. (speaking) I don't have one.
  • Sally:Ok one moment while I transfer you. (pause) Welcome to customer service.....
Finally, after 4 trips around this block (Jane... get me off this crazy thing!) on an obscure page I found my "web pin". I entered that thinking I was finally home free. Sure enough something different happened this time. I was transferred to an actual ringing phone, where I received this helpful message :

"We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please try your call again later."

So there's another 20 minutes of living the muse will never get back. I'd rather they just reached through the phone and poked me in the eye with an ice pick and got it over with. Now if you will excuse me I have to call my pharmacy to see if my valium prescription is in yet (... if you are a depressed lunatic say "Babababababa..."... I'm sorry ...ha ha... I did not understand you...).

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  • Chris's Gravatar
    Posted By
    Chris | 10/6/10 2:23 PM
    I had a similar experience and actually showed up one day at their building. This was to resolve a suspended account. Couldn't get passed the security guard and got nowhere there as well. Frustrating!
  • Mark Kruger's Gravatar
    Posted By
    Mark Kruger | 10/6/10 2:31 PM
    I think the idea that they HAVE customer service is a myth - like an under-budget project or the state of North Dakota.
  • Greg S's Gravatar
    Posted By
    Greg S | 10/6/10 2:37 PM
    Burning Man had an issue with PayPal this year too and I believe they no longer deal with PayPal -

    Been looking at dealing with PayPal vs an actual eMerchant like Moneris here in Canada, PayPal looked great but the more I hear some stories of actual customer service with them, the more I think dealing with an actual merchant account may be better. Good luck!
  • Mark Kruger's Gravatar
    Posted By
    Mark Kruger | 10/6/10 2:42 PM
    Actually - to be fair I've never had much problem with them. Their stuff is always up and works as advertised. They just make it hard to talk to an actual person... but they aren't alone in doing that as a cost saving measure :)
  • Nicole Henningsen's Gravatar
    Posted By
    Nicole Henningsen | 10/6/10 4:02 PM
    I don't think customer service at payPal actually does exist. Arguing with Sally is about as far as I have gotten before shaking my phone and hitting the number zero several time before finally hanging up on Sally who has no since of emotion what so ever. She is a very stubborn lady. oh Sally....
  • David G. Moore, Jr.'s Gravatar
    Posted By
    David G. Moore, Jr. | 10/6/10 6:08 PM
    I had the same experience with just yesterday. I clicked on their Customer Service Chat feature. I must have been #1 in the que for over 45 minutes, then it comes up and says I could not be redirected to the que. After a bag of Ginger Snaps, two soft drinks, and 3 more tries I decided to leave a message. No reply, even as late as 45 minutes ago. I finally decided to call. I am still #1 in the que....
  • Russ Michaels's Gravatar
    Posted By
    Russ Michaels | 12/20/10 5:21 PM
    We can only be thankful that Paypal seems to run without any issue smost of the time and there is rarely a reason to contact the non existant customer services. Unfortunately all companies of this size are the same, Amazon, ebay etc.
    Be thankful you never had to deal with Ebay, that is a real nightmare. I went round and round in circles with their debt collection company keep explaining the problem over and over again. In the end I would just lose my temper instantly whenever they called me, rant at them and then hang up. I had to give up my dispute in the end and just pay up as I couldn't bear it any longer.